I COULD NOT…

Like every day, she got off the school bus. Now the task she does not want to be part of every day starts. Crossing the road, then walking a few steps on the wrong side, and Ta da Home! But it was not so easy. She was scared of vehicles coming at her.

She tried to follow the instructions she got from all over.

Walk to the Zebra crossing and wait for the signal to turn red so that vehicles stop at once. Cross the halfway point of the road, see the other side of the signal, and repeat what is intended.

And it was too easy for her with no footpath to walk, blurred or no zebra lines on the road, and people bouncing signals at will. The night mares would come running in bright sunny noon. It was not less than a circus. To carry two ponytails, a water bottle, and a bag of plenty of well-dressed Barbies across the road was quite an adventure.

After dinner, she kept her head on her father's lap. He started playing with her hair. He also kept his eyes on something on the laptop.

"Papa," she said.

"Hmm," he said, and he kept working.

"Papa, I cannot cross the road!" She looked at his face, keeping her face on the lap with a weired neck posture.

"Are you listening?" She almost yelled.

"Umm..wait a minute, bachcha. I am all yours; just give me a few moments. Okay?" He kept pressing some keys. Switching between things.

"Yeah!" She said it in a low voice, bringing her head back to its original position.

After a few minutes of trying to count the fan blades at full speed, noticing the spider webs in the corner, seeing how the curtains come and go along with the wind from the window, and catching up on the sparrow sleeping on the branch of the tree,. Not losing the grip or sleep even in the strong branch swings.

Her attention moved to her father as he closed the laptop, shook her, heavily picked her up, threw her in the air, and caught her a few times.

"Bolo Rajkumari ab bolo aapke in so-called papaji se aapko kyaa chahiye." He said it while stretching her cheeks.

"Stop na. I was saying I cannot cross the road. I cannot. Pick me up from the other side of the road, papa."

"Can't you just fly from the school to here, my SonPari?" He said this while keeping his things back in the backpack.

"I am serious, papa." She said it almost in a crying tone.

He picked her up and, still keeping his lighter tone, said,Iska kuch karna padega Daya."

This time, she also joined in.

The next day, he was there to pick her up. She came running happily and grabbed his finger. and said,"ab chalo.".

This time the vehicles came with speed, bouncing signals, and blurred crossings, and nothing occurred, or she did not care at all about these things. Her father kept her pampered and also taught her how to cross the road.

Like now, she cared when she had him. Then he said, "Kal se achche se aana hai."

She just said, "Ha, I know."

"Silence!" The loud voice with prolonged llllllll made sure everyone listened. The crowd was chit-chatting. I was looking at the policeman handling some goons. Some are trying to sneak into the room through the doors to see what is going on. Lawyers are taking the stage one after the other. Some acquittals, some dismissals, bail pleas, arrests, cries, etc.

Then the same voice, after gaining everyone's attention, said

"Case no. 244, State vs...."

The next words felt blurry. Or he did not hear it. He just had a trip down memory lane. Walking down the lane, I fear pain and love. He needs to cross. Someone shook him, making him aware of the reality of the world as it seems. He realized he was in court, sitting among the people, and his case number . was called.

"Hey, come fast; the judge will hurry us up as we have the closing statements." His lawyer said.

He took a glance at government counsel, a combination of black and white. The shades of gray were visible in the hairs, and the coat represented the real shades separately. He was the government's man.

'I was lost the day I sparked this fight.' His mind was in a state of a state of chaos.

"Come fast." He got called again.

He stood up in his seat, looked around, and saw that all the people sitting there would see the same fate in close proximity. Some day, for sure.

'Will they try to fight you? Will it matter then? Why did this in the first place?' His mind..

"I have heard the petitioner and the counsel. I am reserving my judgment and sharing it after hearing the closing statements. If you may, proceed." The judge said this, taking a glance at both parties.

Counsel took his seat. The other party now took the stage before the curtains.

"The petitioner will want to make a statement before an official closing one."

He adjusts his shirt. Slide the specters back up. Now he is standing on a witness stand, a victim of scenarios. Where he doesn't have hands on the accused, the loss is personal. The lane of memories was there to hurt, he thought.

'My words matter? Will anything happen? Will anything change or waste my drops of blood to make a statement is of no use. Or should I? I just think I have to!'

He made his mind up. He did not know how to talk in front of the judge, who was in no way going to hand over the result to the state with some compensation and good words. The DECORUM was keeping him held. He put his hand on the stand and pressed as if he were going to crush it. But he won't be able to. And it wouldn't have been his only incompetence. The one that the whole court listened to was not being able to save his daughter.

He took a breath in and said, "Respect the judge and the court. I just used respect as I needed to."

"Keep your words selective. This is court, not a road fight. Maintain..." The judge said this and was interrupted.

"..DECORUM. Yes, I have repeated that word in my mind enough times before walking here. It is just the loss I have incurred that makes me slip a few words. I apologise." He gathered his words again and said

"This is not some monologue I was planning to deliver. This is what it is. This is what the system has pushed me to say. To say it out loud. It fails me, and I would say in some or another way, everyone. I made her believe in rules in disciplines. In the ways of the world, I could raise a child. In the ways I was bound and obliged to pass on the things to the young one. And what happened? I, a lone parent, failed the only child.

I felt the other way. I felt how she could lose her life even when she herself was scared and cared to see around while crossing. What went wrong? Just the calculated incapabilities of different caretakers in society who didn't maintain the decency of their duty and take care. She was hit by the vehicle from the wrong side as it slipped in a pit and hit her when she was crossing the road with an umbrella in her hand. Why did I fight the state and not a person? I knew I would lose, then why? Why come here and tell the same story to everyone and do it until everyone shares another one they have where the same thing happened? In the course of this trial of my lost world, I was hearing the stories that I almost forgot. And hence, I remember what the Government Counsel said that day: around four lakh people die every year in accidents, and if everyone starts claining a grudge against the government, ho gaya. I felt punched in the face on all sides, making me unrecognizable in this world of road trials. This is their win in the judgment." He slid his goggles up again. His eyes were watering. He was holding the paper where he had some notes, like four lakh and all.

He continued, "This is the battle for me to lose. I know elephants won't lose in real life against ants, just in jokes. I tried to be that joke. I tried to beat the elephant, but, alas!

To conclude, what is there to conclude? I have the exact words she said when I lost her. In the hospital, with plain-colored clothes she never wore and without the gorgeous hair, the sparkle in her eyes was gone. I could see the pain. She pulled me close just before entering the ICU. After which I lost her."

His voice was fading, word after word. It was like he was forcefully talking. The water starts coming out of his eyes. The court watched, but, like just any other case, Everyone there wanted to rise to the witness stand or watch their case unfold. Noone cared. It was not the movie to sympathize. Everyone knew there was a clock ticking and no time for his drops.

He opened the paper and repeated,She pulled me close and said... and said." He starts crying and shivering. The paper falls out of his hand, and he completes

"I could not cross the road, Papa."